Mend My Broken Pieces ((Eliana}}
Apr 15, 2009 3:28:10 GMT -5
Post by Mackenzie Baker on Apr 15, 2009 3:28:10 GMT -5
Thinking so much about one person was something Mack was having trouble wrapping her finger around and getting used to. The sudden amount of thoughts that she’d been processing kept flooding her head, no matter how much she put into her efforts to keep them at bay. It was getting so bad that the rush and constant thinking; constant idea; constant judgments were giving her a series of frequent, massively agonizing headaches. Migraines even. Not to mention her worrying and over-processing. Talking to Holly hadn’t helped, only made it right. For as much as the chick was a pain in the ass, Mack had trouble admitting she was right. Scared didn’t describe Mack’s feelings. Terrified, horrified, reluctant and troubled did decent jobs, but weren’t the best words to describe her anguish. Because admitting she liked someone enough to be with them was too much for Mack. What about her philosophy? What about her beliefs? What about her promise. To never get so deep into emotions to not be able to pull herself out? Her promise to never put herself in a position of vulnerability again? It only left room for Eliana to hurt her.
What was worse was the feeling of strife she kept feeling as she thought about how paranoid she’d be…how worrisome she’d be in a relationship with anyone. She’d hurt someone first before she allowed them to hurt her. Even if there was no threat. She was a broken person; broken people couldn’t be devoted to one person. How could she? She didn’t even care enough about herself, how could she care about someone else? Why should she? Subjecting herself to that was one thing, but subjecting someone else to that was another. How could she set Eliana up for that, when apparently the fuckking girl meant a lot more to Mackenzie than she’d realized. Goddamn her and her perfection. Damn her to Mackenzie’s personal hell. It was difficult for her, because despite all of this, she was still on her way over to Eliana’s dorm…though she’d turned back a number of times, satisfied with burying herself in her work, filming, where no one else could bug her. Well damn…there was Holly. And Holly was worse than her own conscience. And now she had her fist raised to knock on her door, but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t force herself to. So she dropped her fist and let her head fall against the door as a small whimper escaped her lips, her hand pressing against the cool obstruction. “fuck.”
What was worse was the feeling of strife she kept feeling as she thought about how paranoid she’d be…how worrisome she’d be in a relationship with anyone. She’d hurt someone first before she allowed them to hurt her. Even if there was no threat. She was a broken person; broken people couldn’t be devoted to one person. How could she? She didn’t even care enough about herself, how could she care about someone else? Why should she? Subjecting herself to that was one thing, but subjecting someone else to that was another. How could she set Eliana up for that, when apparently the fuckking girl meant a lot more to Mackenzie than she’d realized. Goddamn her and her perfection. Damn her to Mackenzie’s personal hell. It was difficult for her, because despite all of this, she was still on her way over to Eliana’s dorm…though she’d turned back a number of times, satisfied with burying herself in her work, filming, where no one else could bug her. Well damn…there was Holly. And Holly was worse than her own conscience. And now she had her fist raised to knock on her door, but she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t force herself to. So she dropped her fist and let her head fall against the door as a small whimper escaped her lips, her hand pressing against the cool obstruction. “fuck.”