March 24th, 2009
Apr 6, 2009 20:59:13 GMT -5
Post by Kimberly Nolan on Apr 6, 2009 20:59:13 GMT -5
((for those who can't see the correct font (which is Kimmy's handwriting), an example of it can be found here, in her profile))
Dear diary
Things have been pretty confusing lately... I don't really know what to think of all that's happened to me in the past few months, it feels like more than what there has been in the past two years. For one thing... I still can't fully believe what Bretton said is real, it feels like a dream. One that just can't happen because I want it, and him, so badly. But those are obviously the kind of thoughts I shouldn't be having, and I promised him I'd try so I'll do it as hard as I can. I don't want to ruin something that hasn't even fully started yet, and I do want to be able to call him my boyfriend and maybe more someday. I want to be able to hold his hand and kiss him whenever I want to, cuddle with him after sex and not feel awkward. Because well... I guess it's probably not the smartest thing to do given the situation and all that, but I don't think I could have helped it either way. There's no doubt that nobody has ever made me feel that way before, he makes me feel like my head is about to blow up. Well, something nicer than that I guess, but still, the point is he's pretty damn amazing.
And what's more (and probably a lot more important than orgasming but let's admit it, it's not as though it's something I've been used to and God it feels great) is that he makes me feel... he just makes me feel beautiful. I don't think I've ever felt like that before, except maybe as a child when dad was still around, or even after he left with mom. And lately it's just been making me ache so bad, the need to call her, talk to her about this amazing boy that I've found, and it hurts to know that I just can't, that she probably wouldn't want me to anymore. I feel like I've ruined things forever and it's probably the strongest pain I've ever had to know that I might have broken my mother's heart, and that the last time we really spoke was over three years ago. I miss what I had with her, I miss childhood. It was so easy then. I miss her being home in between two jobs so that she could tuck me in and put me to sleep, and old Mrs. Hamilton who'd look over me when she wasn't there though she was half deaf and blind and probably wouldn't have been able to say if I'd sneaked out.
And I remember wishing to grow up faster, dreaming of being eighteen. And things are so much different than how I'd dreamt them. Well, obviously, no seven year old girl in her right mind will dream of getting pregnant and left alone with it at sixteen. There are days like today, when it's raining and gloomy outside and nobody is around, that I can't help to think of him. And then I wonder if he's well and happy, if the couple I gave him to feed him well and treat him properly, if he's cold in the winter or if his life is perfect. I wish I didn't have to think of him, I wish I could have forgotten him the moment he was in the nurse's arms. I don't even know what he looks like, but it's stronger than me, and every time I come across a blonde haired child waddling around in a park within eyesight of his parents, I can't help but wonder. And at times it just feels like a piece of my heart is missing... and it scares me that the only times it feels complete is when I'm with Brett, because I'm afraid he'll leave and leave me empty again.
I should probably be doing something more constructive than this, something that'll at least put me in a good mood or some attempt of it. And then I can hope... things will be better tomorrow.
Kimmy
Dear diary
Things have been pretty confusing lately... I don't really know what to think of all that's happened to me in the past few months, it feels like more than what there has been in the past two years. For one thing... I still can't fully believe what Bretton said is real, it feels like a dream. One that just can't happen because I want it, and him, so badly. But those are obviously the kind of thoughts I shouldn't be having, and I promised him I'd try so I'll do it as hard as I can. I don't want to ruin something that hasn't even fully started yet, and I do want to be able to call him my boyfriend and maybe more someday. I want to be able to hold his hand and kiss him whenever I want to, cuddle with him after sex and not feel awkward. Because well... I guess it's probably not the smartest thing to do given the situation and all that, but I don't think I could have helped it either way. There's no doubt that nobody has ever made me feel that way before, he makes me feel like my head is about to blow up. Well, something nicer than that I guess, but still, the point is he's pretty damn amazing.
And what's more (and probably a lot more important than orgasming but let's admit it, it's not as though it's something I've been used to and God it feels great) is that he makes me feel... he just makes me feel beautiful. I don't think I've ever felt like that before, except maybe as a child when dad was still around, or even after he left with mom. And lately it's just been making me ache so bad, the need to call her, talk to her about this amazing boy that I've found, and it hurts to know that I just can't, that she probably wouldn't want me to anymore. I feel like I've ruined things forever and it's probably the strongest pain I've ever had to know that I might have broken my mother's heart, and that the last time we really spoke was over three years ago. I miss what I had with her, I miss childhood. It was so easy then. I miss her being home in between two jobs so that she could tuck me in and put me to sleep, and old Mrs. Hamilton who'd look over me when she wasn't there though she was half deaf and blind and probably wouldn't have been able to say if I'd sneaked out.
And I remember wishing to grow up faster, dreaming of being eighteen. And things are so much different than how I'd dreamt them. Well, obviously, no seven year old girl in her right mind will dream of getting pregnant and left alone with it at sixteen. There are days like today, when it's raining and gloomy outside and nobody is around, that I can't help to think of him. And then I wonder if he's well and happy, if the couple I gave him to feed him well and treat him properly, if he's cold in the winter or if his life is perfect. I wish I didn't have to think of him, I wish I could have forgotten him the moment he was in the nurse's arms. I don't even know what he looks like, but it's stronger than me, and every time I come across a blonde haired child waddling around in a park within eyesight of his parents, I can't help but wonder. And at times it just feels like a piece of my heart is missing... and it scares me that the only times it feels complete is when I'm with Brett, because I'm afraid he'll leave and leave me empty again.
I should probably be doing something more constructive than this, something that'll at least put me in a good mood or some attempt of it. And then I can hope... things will be better tomorrow.
Kimmy