July 15th, 2011
Jun 13, 2011 14:08:02 GMT -5
Post by Marisol Rivero on Jun 13, 2011 14:08:02 GMT -5
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Dear diary,
So, things have been getting a little better since I got back home. I always forget how great it is here until I get back and then it feels like I shouldn't ever leave. I miss mom so much whenever she's not around, but I guess it's good that I've gotten used to being away from her at a young age. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Jacksonville, I want to see bigger places, I want to travel and all of that. But I do love this city still, it's comforting to get back home and have everything around you feel so familiar.
I've been trying my best not to think about... well, her anymore. I feel I've spent enough time thinking about that whole happening and I should just move on, especially considering the fact that nothing will come of it anyway. I just can't help it though, whenever my mind wanders it goes back to that night on its own free will, and then I just remember how everything felt and... I don't know, it seems so wrong that this should be it. I mean, I can't change the way things are, and I can't force someone who doesn't want me to like me in that fashion, but there was just... there was something, about the way her lips felt, about how the kiss felt as a whole, and I can't help but yearn for something similar at times.
I figured that, since I won't be getting that from her though, I should just focus my energy on finding someone else. And I have, kind of. Well, nothing big has happened yet, but I've started hanging out with this girl called Megan in the past few weeks, and she's a nice girl. Not to mention the fact that I know she's into girls too, which makes things much simpler. She's funny and she's really upbeat, she's always wanting to be doing something and laughing seems to come as easily to her as breathing does. She's got a really nice laugh too, and she's really pretty. We've got a lot of things in common, which makes conversations easy. And I'm pretty sure she's into me, I mean, I've seen her looking me up several times - she doesn't try to hide it that much - and she's always wanting to get some sort of closeness, like playing with my hair or letting her hand brush against my arm, sitting close to me, those kind of things. It feels nice... but that's it. I mean, I guess it should be enough right? Maybe it just needs time to grow into something more. I do like her, and I feel attracted to her, but somehow... I don't know.
I guess I'm just being too picky, but I just feel like dating her would be settling for good enough. I really love her as a friend and I definitely want to keep her around in my life and keep talking to her after I head back to KC, but romantically speaking... as much as I try to will myself to feel something more, there's nothing there. There's no spark, there's no attraction stronger than my will. There's no fireworks. With Zoey it was like... magnets. I had to kiss her, my control was out the window and my body just did what it felt it needed to do. And then there were sparks alright, and shivers, and goosebumps all over. It's weird how strong an effect someone can have on you after knowing them for such a short amount of time, but when I was with her there was just this need to know more, to be close. And somehow I just felt like... well, she wanted it too. Guess my intuition ought to get fixed up cause it's obviously broken.
Gah, I swore to myself I wouldn't go back on this today. Maybe I should go hang out with Megan a little. I feel bad, like I'm using her almost and I really don't want to give her false hopes, I'm not that kind of a girl. But who knows, maybe if I get to know her better and get a bit closer to her, that spark will come up some time. Or maybe it won't, but at least I'll have tried.
Lots of love,
Marisol xox
July 15th, 2011
Dear diary,
So, things have been getting a little better since I got back home. I always forget how great it is here until I get back and then it feels like I shouldn't ever leave. I miss mom so much whenever she's not around, but I guess it's good that I've gotten used to being away from her at a young age. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Jacksonville, I want to see bigger places, I want to travel and all of that. But I do love this city still, it's comforting to get back home and have everything around you feel so familiar.
I've been trying my best not to think about... well, her anymore. I feel I've spent enough time thinking about that whole happening and I should just move on, especially considering the fact that nothing will come of it anyway. I just can't help it though, whenever my mind wanders it goes back to that night on its own free will, and then I just remember how everything felt and... I don't know, it seems so wrong that this should be it. I mean, I can't change the way things are, and I can't force someone who doesn't want me to like me in that fashion, but there was just... there was something, about the way her lips felt, about how the kiss felt as a whole, and I can't help but yearn for something similar at times.
I figured that, since I won't be getting that from her though, I should just focus my energy on finding someone else. And I have, kind of. Well, nothing big has happened yet, but I've started hanging out with this girl called Megan in the past few weeks, and she's a nice girl. Not to mention the fact that I know she's into girls too, which makes things much simpler. She's funny and she's really upbeat, she's always wanting to be doing something and laughing seems to come as easily to her as breathing does. She's got a really nice laugh too, and she's really pretty. We've got a lot of things in common, which makes conversations easy. And I'm pretty sure she's into me, I mean, I've seen her looking me up several times - she doesn't try to hide it that much - and she's always wanting to get some sort of closeness, like playing with my hair or letting her hand brush against my arm, sitting close to me, those kind of things. It feels nice... but that's it. I mean, I guess it should be enough right? Maybe it just needs time to grow into something more. I do like her, and I feel attracted to her, but somehow... I don't know.
I guess I'm just being too picky, but I just feel like dating her would be settling for good enough. I really love her as a friend and I definitely want to keep her around in my life and keep talking to her after I head back to KC, but romantically speaking... as much as I try to will myself to feel something more, there's nothing there. There's no spark, there's no attraction stronger than my will. There's no fireworks. With Zoey it was like... magnets. I had to kiss her, my control was out the window and my body just did what it felt it needed to do. And then there were sparks alright, and shivers, and goosebumps all over. It's weird how strong an effect someone can have on you after knowing them for such a short amount of time, but when I was with her there was just this need to know more, to be close. And somehow I just felt like... well, she wanted it too. Guess my intuition ought to get fixed up cause it's obviously broken.
Gah, I swore to myself I wouldn't go back on this today. Maybe I should go hang out with Megan a little. I feel bad, like I'm using her almost and I really don't want to give her false hopes, I'm not that kind of a girl. But who knows, maybe if I get to know her better and get a bit closer to her, that spark will come up some time. Or maybe it won't, but at least I'll have tried.
Lots of love,
Marisol xox