August 12, 2011
Jul 11, 2011 8:51:49 GMT -5
Post by Zoey Hundt on Jul 11, 2011 8:51:49 GMT -5
August 12, 2011
Dear Diary,
Okay, I've gotten to the point where even I can't deny anything anymore. As much as I try to and as much as I've tried to go ahead and pretend that I'm perfectly okay with everything, I know that I'm not. Dylan is the perfect guy - he's smart, funny, kind, an as attractive as any guy goes. However, I still just can't be entirely happy with him as much as I might try and tell myself that I am. Every time that we kiss, my mind has to go somewhere else. Not even just someone else, but Marisol. Every time I'm kissing Dylan, I can't help but think back to the kiss that I had with Marisol and no matter how much I try to stop thinking about her... I just can't. If I take Dylan as he is in my mind it's just not enjoyable and I've finally realized that it has nothing to do with Dylan. Instead, it has to do with the fact that he's guy.
I... I don't like guys. I like girls. I like Marisol. I just don't know how to do anything about it. I don't even know how to admit it to anyone else. I have a hard enough time telling myself and I'm going to have to tell other people. And obviously I'm going to have to break up with Dylan and tell him the reason why that is. And I'll have to tell my parents and my friends... I really don't want to. I'm so scared that some of them won't accept me if I tell them. I know that some of my friends won't have a problem with it, for instance, Cassidy would obviously be more than accepting. But I don't even know where my family stands on such issues, it hasn't ever come up in conversation. What if they're disappointed or upset with me? I know this isn't what they had planned for my life - it isn't what I had planned for my life either. I just can't keep on pretending that I have interest in Dylan, or any other guy, romantically.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with the information anyway. I'm not sure that I'm even ready to get into a relationship at all and with the one person I'm interested in.. who knows if she'd even want to get with me? I wouldn't blame her for not even wanting to deal with me anymore after what I put her through.
Suddenly life is so much more complicated. I should go, I'm meeting up with Dylan very soon. I don't know how to break the news to him, but I guess I'll figure it out. I don't have much of a choice, do I? I just hope that he'll forgive me, that we'll be able to stay friends after all of this. I still want to be because he's such a great guy and I know that we could be friends.
xxx
Zoey