May 18, 2012
Jan 3, 2014 12:25:58 GMT -5
Post by Jessica Wilson on Jan 3, 2014 12:25:58 GMT -5
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Dear Diary,
So, tonight was a bit weird. Not like, super bad weird, but just... unexpected I guess. And it was actually pretty nice. I was hanging out with Amanda and we kinda just... started making out a little. Well, okay, not a little, we made out. And it was definitely interesting,and fun, I mean, I can see why so many people want to kiss Amanda. I've always thought she has awesome lips, but they feel even nicer than they look.
That would have been all fun and games if it wasn't for the fact that I couldn't help but think about Porter the whole time we were kissing. Well, okay, not the whole time - she's pretty good at what she does - but still, he just wouldn't quit being in my mind and I'm pretty sure she knew it too. Thank God she's not the type to get easily offended for that kind of stuff, and that it was really mainly more of an experimentation thing, because I felt really bad about it. Not that I think it would have ruined our friendship regardless, but it's just the nice thing to do. When you kiss someone, you don't think about someone else. My brain needs a lesson on manners.
I can't really help it though. Sometimes I wonder if spending time with him is such a good thing to do, but then the thought of not being around him anymore seems a lot worse than crushing on him with the knowledge that it most likely won't ever get me anywhere. And the worst part is that I know he likes me too - just not enough in the sense of wanting to date me. Or I guess I shouldn't take it personal, my understanding is that he just doesn't date at all. I don't know why, but that's his choice and there's nothing I can do about it.
But there's just times when we're together that he looks at me in a way that makes me wish I could just say screw it all and jump at him. To not care about the fact that he would want to do this with no strings attached - which I can't do and he makes me hate that I can't do it - because God would it be nice to kiss him. Not that I've ever done it before, but I can imagine. And I do it, too. A lot. A lot a lot. It's kind of ridiculous actually. I guess when people talk about silly school girl crushes, they could just as well be talking of me. And then I can't help but flirt with him either, and that just makes me feel like a tease, but I'm just.... gnnnnnnn why does he have to be so hot!? Like, should it be legal? I personally feel we should be a bit more strict on how attractive we allow people to be.
Anyway, if kissing a girl like Amanda didn't do anything to take him off my mind, nothing will. I mean, I'm not even into girls that much, so that's how beautiful she is. Well, she's not the first I've thought of as attractive, but she's the first I've wanted to really kiss, and while I'm not sure I'll repeat the experience because I do think guys are more my cup of tea, it really isn't something I would ever regret.
I guess time will help whatever's meant to happen. If anything, he's graduating next year, so I suppose I'll see how things go after he leaves. It might be helpful, but right now it just sounds like it's gonna suck big time.
But that's enough wallowing on my case. I've got a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow so sleep would probably be a good idea right now.
Til next time,
May 18th, 2012
Dear Diary,
So, tonight was a bit weird. Not like, super bad weird, but just... unexpected I guess. And it was actually pretty nice. I was hanging out with Amanda and we kinda just... started making out a little. Well, okay, not a little, we made out. And it was definitely interesting,and fun, I mean, I can see why so many people want to kiss Amanda. I've always thought she has awesome lips, but they feel even nicer than they look.
That would have been all fun and games if it wasn't for the fact that I couldn't help but think about Porter the whole time we were kissing. Well, okay, not the whole time - she's pretty good at what she does - but still, he just wouldn't quit being in my mind and I'm pretty sure she knew it too. Thank God she's not the type to get easily offended for that kind of stuff, and that it was really mainly more of an experimentation thing, because I felt really bad about it. Not that I think it would have ruined our friendship regardless, but it's just the nice thing to do. When you kiss someone, you don't think about someone else. My brain needs a lesson on manners.
I can't really help it though. Sometimes I wonder if spending time with him is such a good thing to do, but then the thought of not being around him anymore seems a lot worse than crushing on him with the knowledge that it most likely won't ever get me anywhere. And the worst part is that I know he likes me too - just not enough in the sense of wanting to date me. Or I guess I shouldn't take it personal, my understanding is that he just doesn't date at all. I don't know why, but that's his choice and there's nothing I can do about it.
But there's just times when we're together that he looks at me in a way that makes me wish I could just say screw it all and jump at him. To not care about the fact that he would want to do this with no strings attached - which I can't do and he makes me hate that I can't do it - because God would it be nice to kiss him. Not that I've ever done it before, but I can imagine. And I do it, too. A lot. A lot a lot. It's kind of ridiculous actually. I guess when people talk about silly school girl crushes, they could just as well be talking of me. And then I can't help but flirt with him either, and that just makes me feel like a tease, but I'm just.... gnnnnnnn why does he have to be so hot!? Like, should it be legal? I personally feel we should be a bit more strict on how attractive we allow people to be.
Anyway, if kissing a girl like Amanda didn't do anything to take him off my mind, nothing will. I mean, I'm not even into girls that much, so that's how beautiful she is. Well, she's not the first I've thought of as attractive, but she's the first I've wanted to really kiss, and while I'm not sure I'll repeat the experience because I do think guys are more my cup of tea, it really isn't something I would ever regret.
I guess time will help whatever's meant to happen. If anything, he's graduating next year, so I suppose I'll see how things go after he leaves. It might be helpful, but right now it just sounds like it's gonna suck big time.
But that's enough wallowing on my case. I've got a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow so sleep would probably be a good idea right now.
Til next time,
Jessica