November 8th, 2012
Mar 9, 2014 18:56:22 GMT -5
Post by Jade Tanaka on Mar 9, 2014 18:56:22 GMT -5
November 8th, 2012
Dear Diary,The beginning of this year has been... unexpected to say the least. Well, only in part - school has been as busy and intense as I expected it to be, hence why I haven't really been writing much. Of course, with it being Senior year, I knew what was coming my way though, so I did manage to get myself ready for all of it, and things are going according to plan as far as that go.
What I was not ready for is Amanda. She's my roommate this year - she's incredibly beautiful, she's sweet and kind and smart and funny, she's extremely alluring and she's just... I know it's silly to say that she's perfect, because perfection doesn't really exist, but it's so very hard to find a fault in her. I mean, I guess if I were more the jealous type, it would bother me that she's a bit on the flirtatious type and very touchy feely even with other people. And it was a bit odd at first, I'll admit, but it's just the kind of person she is, she likes human contact and she's got a friendly and forward personality.
Besides, it's not like the way she touches others is anything like the way she touches me. And that's a good thing as well, because she drives me completely crazy. She sets me on fire with every kiss, and I always keep wanting more of her. It's so strange, because I've always been so careful in relationships, to put a halt on things, to take it slow and make sure every step was taken in a steady fashion, because passion is so uncontrollable, and I like being in control of things and of myself. Yet with her, I don't even want to care, because everything feels so good and amazing - there's electricity and tingles and warmth in every touch, and I want to throw it all to the wind, because it doesn't matter anymore. I don't have control over myself with her, but it doesn't make me feel lost or scared, it just makes me feel so free.
But it's not just physical either. I mean, the chemistry is amazing, but that's not all there is - the very first night after we decided to give dating a try, we just... stayed up practically half the night, just talking. We talked for hours, and ended up falling asleep cuddling and talking. And she's just so interesting and sweet and kind and caring, she's very bright and she's just got a way with the way she speaks. We're very different people, but neither of us is one to back down, and I like that she's forward.
I'm just incredibly happy and fluttery, with butterflies in my stomach all the time. But then... there are those moments when I've got to come down from my cloud, because I can't allow myself to get in any deeper than I already am, and it's a bit scary. If I feel so strongly about her now, what it is gonna be like months from now, when we have to part ways? Because we did have the talk, as to where this was all headed, and we agreed that it will have a definite end. Once the end of the year comes, I'll head back to Hawaii, she'll stay back in Kansas City, and that'll be it. I do have hopes that we will be able to keep in touch, and she did seem intent in wanting to remain friends, but she just doesn't believe she can do anything long distance, and I can't begrudge her that. After all, that's the reason I never get involved with anyone back home, because of the knowledge that I'll be gone all year for school.
It's hard to see things that way, to know there's a clear time line to our relationship - of course, there's no guarantee we'll even last that long, like Cheyenne pointed out, but it would have been nice to be involved with someone and just let things happen however they should. But I can't think that way - I have to let myself enjoy this, for however long it does last. I feel lucky to even get this opportunity to be with someone so great as she is, and I know I'll look back on my Senior year and only see good things, have good memories. I just... wish they wouldn't just be memories at that point, I guess?
But I won't let it take me down - and even if I wanted to, it would be impossible to do, because Amanda's presence is like sunshine.
One day at a time - and I plan on enjoying every second I get.
Jade xox